Red states, we need to talk

1:58pm Wed Nov 5, 2008

Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, honeys? Georgia, Idaho, Kansas, Kentucky, babies? Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, sweethearts? Nebraska, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, darlings? South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, West Virginia, Wyoming, loves?

We need to talk.

You know I love you, right? You’re just as beautiful as you were the day you were admitted to the Union. Your purple mountains and fruited plains don’t get older, they get better. I’m sorry we’ve been bickering so much, and I don’t want to fight anymore. It feels like we’ve just grown apart.

So, maybe we should just go our separate ways, huh? We’ve never really gotten over the Civil War and I’ve been thinking for a while now that it was a mistake to force you to stay. We all loved having slaves. Well, you know, the slaves didn’t dig it so much. But I understand how important it was to you. I always loved that Ol' Dixie, it’s really a handsome flag. You know you still love flying it whenever you can get away with it. You could take back your maiden name, Confederacy, again, wouldn’t you like that, dearest?

You see, the rest of us want to move forward into the 21st century with the rest of the world. No, no, we’re not in love with her. We’ll always love you. We want you to be happy. I just think you’d be happier if you could have your slaves back. You could keep your children safe from science and gay people. You could keep locking people up for looking like terrorists, and you wouldn’t have to spend all that money on lawyers to circumvent the Constitution in order to do it. Hell, you could lock up the Jews, too, if you wanted to! Or just put them to work on plantations or whatever.

You’ve spread yourself so thin, all over the country, and there’s parts of you in us. You can take those parts with you. The part of California that voted to stay hooked on oil and make sure that gay people can’t infect their children, for example, it just looks embarassing on California. Suits you much better, you always dress your age.

You could appoint John McCain and Sarah Palin Emporer and Empress, get rid of the messy, time-consuming voting procedures. Or keep them, for the memories, because the rest of us won’t be fighting you to do the right thing at every turn. You could have Ted Haggart as pope or something, I hear he stopped being a gay meth head for good this time. You know you’re not going to be happy with Barack. He feels the same way we do. Remember his speech last night? He brought up Lincoln, the Republican who kept a far more divided country together. Given, he did it by force, and as I’ve been saying, you’ve been dragging your feet ever since.

Hey, no need to get nasty, baby, when you talk about terrorists, you seem to forget that you were the terrorists in Lincoln’s time. Hell, you called yourself a Democrat then, remember? You certainly didn’t support that particular president in a time of war, the war you started. You gathered all your strength and directly defied him and the law. You can gather your strength now and just make a clean break.

There doesn’t have to be another Civil War. I’m more than happy to let you go so we can both reach our potential. We can still talk and visit. You’ve had eight years of getting everything you wanted, it’s clearly still not enough for you, and you aren’t interested in compromise.

Really, you should think about enslaving Jewish people as well as black people.

You’re gonna need to pick lots and lots of cotton to make up for what the dirty liberals in New York and California alone contribute to the economy.